In her upcoming book I (Think) I Want Out couples’ therapist Becky Whitestone lays out the five milestones in a failing marriage. She hopes couples who identify these stages early on can save their marriage before it’s too late.

Recently interviewed by HuffPost, Whitestone concludes that most breakups follow a strikingly similar path. Most often, the steps within the ‘decider’ — the person initiating the split. The decider usually keeps things to themself, often until it’s too late.

Whitestone outlines the phases people experience when ending relationships:

1.  Disillusionment. First, the decider begins to see that they’re not happy in the relationship, but will wait to see how things turn out.

2.  Erosion. Next, the decider notices things aren’t getting any better and might lead to a breakup — but dismisses the thought of splitting up, for now.

3.  Detachment. This is when the decider begins to retreat emotionally from their partner. They look for satisfaction outside the relationship, through a hobbies, social activities, exercise — or maybe an affair.

4.  The ‘Straw.’ In stage four the decider finds a reason for the breakup. Here, the decider’s partner does something so intolerable that the decider can’t stay in the relationship. It could be something big or small. This is when the decider really retreats.

5.  Death of the Marriage. Whitestone discovered this phase in her own research. This is when the decider concludes things can’t go on the way they have been. This could lead to divorce, or to a redefinition of the relationship, possibly through couple’s counseling. But there’s no turning back to the way things were.